Ego Death Without Substances: Finding Heaven at My Mother’s Feet Through Somatic Healing.

I used to hear people speak of experiencing Ego Death while on mind altering substances and even though I mentally grasped what it meant, I never experienced it despite my numerous interactions with such substances. Mine occurred in a state of sobriety during a Somatic Experiencing session with a Catholic priest. Wild, I know.

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LEAVING CHRISTIANITY, BUT NOT RELIGION

I left Christianity the first opportunity I got when I left home to go to college. It was my Sociology 101 professor who opened that door when he quoted Karl Marx. When he said that, “Religion is the opium of the masses”, my entire body resonated. It felt like permission to expand. One of the grievances I held against Christianity was the commandment to honor parents because mine had harmed me in ways I couldn’t reconcile at that young age.

I left Christianity but I didn’t leave religion. Yet. I became a practicing Muslim for five years. It felt like the buffer I needed before making a complete jump beyond organized religion. Nevertheless, when I do something, I completely immerse myself in it with my full attention. That’s my 5H Scorpio stellium in action, I derive pleasure from intense experiences. Islam is a complete way of life and this is where I really cultivated my spiritual discipline.

FROM ISLAM TO BUDDHISM: A QUESTION THAT STAYED

When my time in Islam ended, I transitioned into Buddhism. The one grievance I carried forward from this beautiful way of life that set the foundation for my own spiritual practice is the same grievance I carried forward from Christianity. In Islam I was taught that heaven is at my mother’s feet. How could heaven be at the feet of the person that traumatized me so much and made my life feel like a living hell?

MEETING SOMATIC EXPERIENCING

Fifteen years after Islam, I met Somatic Experiencing. I am currently learning SE at the feet of my wonderful teacher Dada Efu Nyaki who is also a Family Constellations teacher. Dada introduced me to Transgenerational Trauma. She helped me see the bigger picture, that it didn’t start with me, neither did it start with my father and mother. It’s been inherited from generation to generation through the nervous system.

Dada also introduced me to Systemic Trauma and especially within the family system. Her teachings felt like she was reading me my rights to exist for instance the right of belonging and the right of receiving and giving love within the Orders of Love by Bert Hellinger. The teaching that felt really painful to me is that of reverencing, meaning to honor those who came before me, that is, my parents. The grievance I had carried with me across time found me once more, but this time in a language that made sense to my nervous system.

THE SESSION THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING

To become a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (SEP), I am required to spend a certain amount of time in therapy with a qualified SEP because in order to hold space for trauma survivors, I first have to address my own trauma. This is how I ended up in session with a Catholic priest facing my own Transgenerational Trauma.

My mother wound showed up during this particular session. With a lot of compassion and gentle care, Father Dennis guided me to invite an image of my mother not as I perceive her now but as the person I would have wanted to meet my needs. Imagination is such a powerful tool of healing because to the nervous system it feels real.

THE MOMENT OF HEALING

As I gazed into the loving eyes of my imagined mother, my body experienced complete safety for the first time in my life. All the walls I spent my entire life putting up came crashing down in a wave of tears springing from the deepest part of my belly. I felt my chest expand with unconditional love and gratitude to my mother for giving me life.

In one singular moment, I uncoupled all the painful events from the life giving role of my mother. All this pain that had been blocking my capacity to receive life suddenly lifted to give way for the rush of aliveness infusing every part of my nervous system. I felt fully plugged into the Source of all life, no more separation. Ego Death. This rush of life drove me to my knees with my head bowed down in deep reverence. I found heaven at the feet of my mother through The Golden Key of Reverencing.

A NEW INTERNAL ORDER

When I rose up, I felt my internal world reorganize, especially my stomach. For most people, the mother wound shows up as gut issues signifying a lack of nutrition. I had had surgery a year before to repair a hiatal hernia because my stomach kept climbing into my chest through a weak spot in my diaphragm causing me breathing problems misdiagnosed as asthma. For the first time in my adult life, I felt my stomach settle down in its rightful position. I felt my breath go all the way to my belly. By taking my rightful place of belonging within the family system, my organs took their rightful place within too.

AUTHOR

  Written by Nyambura Njau, Efu’s student for Somatic Experiencing.